Those Words shared by My Dad That Rescued Us as a First-Time Dad
"In my view I was simply just surviving for twelve months."
Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of being a father.
However the reality soon proved to be "very different" to his expectations.
Serious health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver as well as looking after their infant son Leo.
"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.
After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.
The straightforward phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You must get some help. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and regain his footing.
His experience is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now more comfortable addressing the stress on mums and about PND, less is said about the challenges new fathers encounter.
Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance
Ryan feels his struggles are part of a larger reluctance to communicate among men, who often absorb harmful ideas of masculinity.
Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."
"It isn't a display of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he clarifies.
Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.
They can feel they are "not justified to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is vitally important to the family.
Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a break - taking a couple of days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.
He understood he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a new baby.
When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.
Reparenting yourself'
That realisation has changed how Ryan views being a dad.
He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he matures.
Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the language of feelings and interpret his approach to fatherhood.
The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.
During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.
Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor choices" when younger to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the anguish.
"You turn to things that don't help," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."
Tips for Managing as a First-Time Parent
- Open up to someone - when you are overwhelmed, speak to a friend, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
- Maintain your passions - continue with the activities that made you feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
- Look after the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and if you can, sleep, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
- Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
- Remember that seeking help is not failure - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can support your family.
When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.
Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead give the safety and emotional support he did not receive.
When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.
Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their issues, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.
"I'm better… sitting with things and managing things," explains Stephen.
"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I'm learning as much as you are on this path."
