Navigating the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
